What Is Your Anger Trying to Tell You?
Anger gets a bad rap.
We’re often taught that it’s something to control, calm down, get rid of, or - especially for some of us - not feel in the first place. And certainly, anger can become destructive. We can say and do things when we’re angry that hurt other people and that we later regret.
But anger can also give us information.
It can alert us that something feels wrong, that a boundary may have been crossed, that we’re feeling hurt or threatened, or that something important to us is at stake. Anger can also be mobilizing. It can give us energy to speak up, say no, protect ourselves, or take action when something needs to change.
The tricky part is that feeling angry doesn’t necessarily tell us exactly what happened, why it happened, or what we should do about it.
So how do we listen to anger without either dismissing it or assuming it’s telling us the whole truth?
Slowing down enough to understand what we're experiencing
When I work with anger in therapy, one of the things I often do is slow things down.
Anger can come with a strong impulse toward action - to say something, send the text, leave, defend ourselves, make the other person understand. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that energy, but when the feeling and the impulse to act happen almost simultaneously, there may not be much room to understand what we’re experiencing or decide how we want to respond.
I might ask someone to notice what they feel in their body. Is there heat? Tightness? Pressure? Has their breathing changed? Is their heart beating faster? Is there an urge to move toward someone or pull away?
This awareness of our internal bodily signals is called interoception. Our bodies are continually receiving information from within, and becoming aware of some of those signals can help us notice more of our experience.
But a pounding heart or tightening chest doesn’t tell us, by itself, what it means. The same sensations can accompany anger, fear, excitement, exertion, or any number of experiences. We make sense of what we feel in context - alongside our thoughts, emotions, memories, expectations, relationships, and what is going on around us.
So I’m also interested in what my client is thinking and I might ask: What do you think is happening right now? What are you telling yourself about what this person did? What do you imagine they meant?
Sometimes we’ll explore other possibilities. Could there be another explanation? Is there something we don’t know? Does this situation feel familiar in some way? Our past experiences come with us into the present, and they can shape what we expect and how we interpret what is happening now. And sometimes, after looking more closely, they become even clearer: No. What happened really wasn’t okay.
That’s important information, too.
Sometimes anger settles. Sometimes it gets stronger.
When we slow down enough to stay with anger, different things can happen.
Sometimes another feeling becomes more apparent - there may be hurt, fear, grief, shame, or an older experience connected to what is happening now. Sometimes the anger settles as my client begins to understand more of their experience. And sometimes there is even more anger.
I actually welcome this at times. Someone who has spent years accommodating other people, minimizing what happened to them, blaming themselves, or disconnecting from their anger may suddenly recognize: Wait. That wasn’t okay.
There can be a lot of energy in that realization.
And this is one reason working with anger isn’t always about calming it down. We want to be able to settle when we need to, and we also need enough flexibility to stay present with what comes up, to feel what we’re experiencing without being completely taken over by it, and to have some awareness of ourselves while we’re in it.
Then we can explore what the anger is bringing forward. What does this recognition change? What do you want to do with the energy that’s there? Maybe there’s a boundary that needs to be set. Maybe there’s a conversation to have, or some distance that’s needed. Maybe you need to grieve something you hadn’t fully allowed yourself to recognize. Maybe there’s nothing you want to do outwardly at all.
Feeling the anger doesn’t decide that for us.
Anger happens in relationship, too
This exploration doesn’t always happen alone.
In therapy, the way someone’s anger is received becomes part of what is happening between us. If someone has learned that anger threatens connection - that being angry means another person will reject them, become frightened, retaliate, or leave - it can be significant to experience anger while another person remains present.
I don’t have to agree with every interpretation my client might have of what happened, and I don’t have to make the anger go away. We can explore it together. Sometimes I notice their breathing changes, their posture shifts, their voice or pace changes. There may be less urgency and more contact between us. Other times, they become more energized as they come into contact with something they haven’t allowed themselves to feel before.
Co-regulation can be part of this. We affect one another, and another person’s presence and responses can influence how we experience and move through intense emotional states. For me, what’s important is that there is enough capacity to stay present with the experience - to feel it, notice it, remain in relationship, and have some choice about what happens next.
Getting curious about your anger
There isn’t a formula for anger, but there are a few questions you can ask yourself when it arises:
What am I experiencing?
Before deciding what the anger means, see if you can notice the different parts of your experience. What do you feel in your body? What emotion can you name? What thoughts are running through your mind? What do you have an impulse to do? You might notice: My chest is tight. My face feels hot. I’m angry. I want to send a text. I’m telling myself she doesn’t respect me. Those are all part of the experience, but they aren’t all the same thing. Beginning to differentiate them can give you more information to work with.
What might it be telling me?
Maybe something feels unfair. Maybe something happened that you don’t want to accept or continue. Maybe you’re hurt, frightened, frustrated, or feeling powerless. Maybe what is happening now resembles something you’ve experienced before.You don’t have to figure it all out immediately, just see what you notice.
What else do I know?
What actually happened? What are you assuming? Is there another possible interpretation? Does your reaction feel familiar? Could something from your history be influencing how you’re experiencing this?
And also - is something happening right now that really isn’t okay? Curiosity doesn’t require us to explain away our own experience. Sometimes looking more closely changes our understanding of what happened, and sometimes it makes us clearer about what we already sensed.
What do I want to do with it?
This is different from asking what your anger wants you to do. Maybe you want to wait before responding. Maybe you need to say no, set a boundary, ask a question, have a conversation, or leave. Maybe you realize you misunderstood something. Maybe something needs to change. Or maybe you don’t know yet.
Anger can be information without becoming a command.
We can listen to it without assuming it has the whole story. We can notice what is happening in our bodies, question what we think we know, consider our history and the circumstances we’re in, and give ourselves some time to understand our experience. And then we can decide what we want to do with it.
Working with anger in therapy
If anger feels overwhelming, difficult to access, or keeps showing up in ways you don’t fully understand, therapy can give you a place to slow things down, get curious about what’s happening, and have more choice in how you respond.
I work with adults and couples in Sebastopol and throughout California, integrating somatic, relational, and other approaches depending on the person and what we’re working with.
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