There is Great Power Within

I have been fascinated by how women’s roles change as we age, and by the shifts in power that can happen throughout this process - and it seems to be coming up in so many of my conversations with women these days.

This has been on my mind increasingly since I attended a workshop called “Maiden, Mother, Queen, Crone” by Wind Hughes, MA. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, particularly the idea that we don’t automatically shift into “Crone” once we finish being “Mother,” especially since we now live so much longer.

I learned a lot from exploring the qualities associated with each stage, and how we may integrate aspects of them all, but there was little discussion about how our culture can perpetuate some of the shadow sides of these archetypes.

This inspired me to share some of my own experience, and my hope is that by doing so - and asking some questions along the way - it might spark more conversation about these issues and how we might change our collective story.

When I was young, I had so much joy, wisdom, innate knowing, and trust in myself. I fantasized about who I would marry, what I would do as a job, and felt like I could be anything I wanted when I grew up.

As I got older and my imaginary world became more concrete, I also began to feel more constrained by my external world. My step-mother was very restrictive, and I suddenly got into trouble for things I hadn’t known were wrong. I depended upon her for everything and gradually began to lose some of that trust in myself.

Then came puberty, and seemingly overnight my trust in myself and sense of agency shifted even more dramatically. I became the focus of a different kind of attention, and there was power in it. I both enjoyed this but felt confused by it, and tried to navigate it as well as I could without much direction.

Gradually, I became more dependent upon that external validation to feel good, right, and accepted; this was already familiar to me, since I had learned early on to connect my worth with what I did.

I moved out of the house before I graduated high school and, by the time I was 18, felt incredibly independent. The world was my oyster (as they say, though I’ve never understood that phrase), and I had agency!

But I also followed the “normal” route of going to college, dating, getting my own apartment, etc., while still being very influenced by how others saw me.

I was also living within a culture that idealized a young woman’s beauty far more than her mind, and I had absorbed more of those messages than I realized.

There are biological and evolutionary influences on what we find attractive. Youth and some of the qualities we associate with beauty can signal reproductive potential, and these preferences have played a role in mate selection throughout human history. But biology doesn't exist separately from culture. Cultural values, gender roles, media, and systems of power shape and amplify what gets rewarded - and in our culture, women's youth and beauty have carried enormous social value. Women internalize those messages, too. I certainly did.

As an attractive girl/woman, I saw how that made my life easier. I also began to see the kind of social power beauty could carry. I remember being at a festival with a woman who looked like Barbie and watching how differently people responded to her. Men were eager to give her things and do things for her, and she knew how to use that attention to get what she wanted.

I remember noticing the dynamic and having mixed feelings about it. I appreciated some of what we were given, but I didn't like how those interactions felt. And maybe because I didn't receive that kind of attention to the same degree, other parts of me had more room to develop.

When I became a mother, my identity shifted, and in many ways my sense of myself became intertwined with my daughter.

Although times are changing somewhat, when my daughter was born I stepped into a different role in our society. I felt that my value as a mother depended upon my selflessness, and the focus shifted from me to my child.

As my daughter individuated, I had to work to develop more of a sense of myself separate from being a mother. I hadn't lost that entirely, but I still felt a bit adrift in terms of my own role in the world.

Grad school helped with this process, as did losing my own mother. Both experiences led me to look at my identity with new eyes, while my mother's death also brought me face-to-face with my own mortality. Together, they brought into sharper focus what truly mattered.

I have begun to notice, though, that as I age, I receive less attention from the outside world. I am on the precipice of this new arena, where I see my wrinkles and my body feels the passing of time.

I have struggled with this because I feel the difference both externally and internally, and I don’t always appreciate it or want it. I’ve realized that I enjoyed the attention, and that now, I sometimes feel invisible - even somehow less worthwhile next to someone younger.

Some of this comes from a primal need to belong and be accepted. For much of human history, our survival depended on being part of a group, and being cast out could literally put our lives at risk. But it also makes me see how much I have internalized the beliefs of the culture around me.

At the same time, I have felt a growing sense of my own agency, trusting more in my wisdom and reconnecting with my internal world. There is great power within when I can stay connected to myself, rather than allowing my sense of worth to be determined by how others see me.

In our patriarchal society, women are often silenced – but what happens when they speak their minds? Do they become their own authority?

What happens when women are no longer controlled by whether someone approves of what they do? What happens when a woman begins to trust her own knowing and becomes less willing to shape herself around what others want from her?

That kind of agency can be threatening - and not just for men. We all internalize aspects of the culture we grow up in, often without realizing it, and those beliefs can show up in how we see and respond to one another.

Bringing these patterns into awareness gives us an opportunity to question what we’ve internalized - about aging, beauty, worth, power, and what it means to be a woman, and hopefully creates more space to reconnect with our own wisdom, strength, and inner knowing.

When we truly honor ourselves, perhaps we can make more room for other women to do the same. There is great power in that, too.