Rethinking Consent

Have you ever been at a party and someone just starts sharing their trauma? Or venting about their really challenging day? Or unloading on you their problems without asking you if you have the space/time/energy/emotional capacity?

It happens to me (and my clients) a lot, and it’s made me think how there's so much emphasis lately on consent in terms of our bodies - and this is a good thing - but consent for emotional and energetic capacity are equally as important. 

Hear me out - most people don’t even think about it, but checking in with the other person before diving in to talk about the hard stuff is crucial. 

Societal conditioning makes us feel like we need to be polite. Lack of awareness of our own emotional states, let alone others can impede noticing how the other is feeling or reacting. And, if you’re a people pleaser and fall into fawning (a trauma response), you might listen and try to be empathetic, maybe feel overwhelmed, resentful, dissociate or even end up with some vicarious traumatization.

So how do we change this narrative? 

You gotta start with yourself: take a pause and check in with yourself - see how you feel emotionally and physically. Then check in with the other energetically, and verbally. 

You can ask “Do you have time/energy to talk about something serious/heavy/traumatic?” and make sure to listen and respect what they say.

If on the receiving end, the advice is the same - check in with yourself and see how you feel emotionally, energetically, and physically. Then check in with the other. 

You can set boundaries if you need to, like letting them know where you’re at, and what you have energy or time for. 

You can say:

"I'm happy to listen, but I'm not in a place to offer advice right now” or

"I'm feeling overwhelmed, can we talk about this later?" or 

"I need some space to process my feelings, can we connect tomorrow?"

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What do you think? 

Has this happened to you? 

What are the ways you handle it?