I was judging myself this morning....

Happy Equinox! Today marked the shift from winter into spring, when day and night are approximately equal and signs of new growth are beginning to appear around us.

Knowing this, I was fascinated by how closely my internal process seemed to mirror what was happening in the environment around me. We've been moving into spring, and yet it's still been cold, and I've been strangely unmotivated lately. Even though I've been wanting to write and create, I've been feeling blocked.

This morning once again began with low energy. I felt blah and tired and did only the bare minimum. In fact, I hardly got out of bed - I stared at my phone, made a few calls, and occasionally stretched my body, all while having thoughts about what I “should” be doing (taxes, etc....) and then judging myself for not doing it.

But somehow, I began to feel a little more energy and inspiration in the early afternoon. I looked outside at the gorgeous day and felt it calling me. It was like I shook off the dark clouds weighing me down and saw the light beckon. I weeded and mowed, trimmed herbs, shoveled dirt, and created a new garden bed. As I did, I noticed my mind slowed, and I started to feel happier. I began to remember my deep love for this land I have lived on for the past 16 1/2 years and I saw its beauty.

In that moment, I knew in my bones that this was exactly what I needed to be doing. I wasn't judging or comparing myself, and I wasn't thinking about what I should have done or needed to do. It was as if I was fully connected with the earth beneath and around me, and something in me was shifting without my having to make it happen. I was moving my body (something we know can have a powerful effect on depressive symptoms) and I was doing it outside, working with the land.

I was present, enjoying what I was doing and appreciating where I was. I felt profoundly grateful and realized that I was now seeing everything through a much brighter lens than the murky, dysphoric perspective I'd held earlier.

As I thought about this, I could feel a desire to share this moment bubble up in my chest - and that increased my feelings of joy, and imagining it rippling out to others brought me even more joy.

So just as the daylight will now overtake the hours of night and the flowers are beginning to bloom, my creativity is flowing, and I, too am starting to blossom.

What about you? Can you relate to feeling stuck or judgy with yourself? What helps you shift - or sometimes surprises you by shifting something when you weren't even trying?